Holaa

4/4/2022

Hightower

Psalm 144,

My deliverer

and my shield

my stronghold and hightower

I have always been told how to deal with stress, why it's important, why you can't let yourself get too stressed out and all that. I think I have passed through a lot of stressful experiences in my life just like anyone else but I've never really considered it a problem. I actually thought it was a positive thing. It helps you learn, make decisions, it keeps you on your toes. I think life would be awfully boring without it. 

I would always say this to my friends, "if you don't have girl problems your life isn't exciting enough."

What they never told me was how to deal with the "lack of stress."

In the mission if there's a slow moment or a little bit of down time it's pretty easy to find something to do. In fact it's good to always be doing something, especially for me otherwise I would just get bored and trunky. But a lot of times when I should relax (such as at night or during meals) I get anxious. I feel like I'm not using my time as wisely as I should. I feel like there are people that I need to meet but I'm not talking to them. I start to panic a little bit. Looking back on it it's really quite pathetic. I think the old Zack would say, "dude chill out." But I just can't sometimes.

Even on p-days I just can't relax. I have to be doing something. I used to just sit down and write emails all day. I would go to the store and buy my alfahor for the week. It was all super chill. It's what my body and mind needed. All I want to do now is play. It's like what Sokka said that one time when he asked out his first girlfriend (the one that turned into the moon)...

"let's just do an activity."

That's the only thing that calms me down. I like it because it puts me in charge. I don't consider myself a power-hungry person but I feel better when I'm in charge. Which is a huge change for me. I used to be a lot more passive. They would sometimes throw me in as a leader but I never really found myself in the spotlight. But that all changed about a year ago when I realized who I was when I had no control..

It was my first area in Paraguay. My comp had to do everything. I felt like a child. less. I felt more like a baby than anything else. I couldn't do anything without asking for help. It really does humble you. It really put me in my place. 

Nothing made sense to me.

I was lowkey insecure because I looked different than everyone else

I felt tired ALL OF THE TIME

but the worst of all was that I didn't have control.

My comp has been a huge help with all of this. I think it's a problem that I've always had. I guess you could call it "anxiety from a lack of stress" but it's only showing up now. I'm just so used to having to do something all of the time. His name is Elder Yanez. I think he is the best companion I've had. It's hard to compare him to other companions just because he's so much like me. And a lot of my other companions were just soo long ago. I think the difference is that my best companions have all made a huge impact not only in my mission but in my life. What makes Elder Yanez different is that he's younger than me (in the mission) and I can really feel like for once I'm making an impact in HIS life.

I often think back to some great leaders I've had in my mission. A lot of them are home now and married and probably have changed a lot. But I often think,"What would they think of me if they saw who was right now?" In my first interview with my first of three mission presidents he told me that the zone leaders "saw a lot of potential in me." I had a bit a of a pride problem back then and I sort of let that get to my head. But I cant help but asking myself now, "Did I live up to my potential?"

It's crazy how much I have learned in the past couple of weeks. I think I learned about 20% of what I needed to learn in the first 18 months in the mission and the last 80% I'm learning right before I go home. I know it's going to happen eventually but I really don't know how I'm going to handle it all. One day I'm going to get on a plane. no companion. no mission president. Completely alone for the first time since I arrived. Just me, my phone, my suitcase, and my suit (which is really small on me now). Am I going to be able to handle the fact that I won't have any responsibility? The only thing I will have to worry about is getting this tired body home.

Changing things up a bit I studied (for the first time in my life) Psalms. More specifically Psalm 144. I still don't really understand what they are but I know that they were King David's way of "praising the Lord" with everything he had. They were also his prayers of forgiveness. It's actually a very beautiful way of asking for forgiveness. One could read it and be like "what-- you think God's just gonna forgive you because you wrote him a poem?" and its true. God won't forgive you because of a poem. He will forgive you if you come to his son with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. It shows in his words that he had a passion for the atonement of Jesus Christ. It expresses his sorrows and shows that he put a lot of thought into it. Which is what really makes repentance such a beautiful thing.

Psalm 144 says something along the lines of 

"he taught these hands how to war"

and later says that the Lord is his "strength" "deliverer" "shield" "fortress" and "hightower" I think of this more as a promise to covenant Israel than to anything else. The Lord was all of these things for David. And he is all of these things for us now.

What I never really understood before the mission was how the scriptures worked. When I was little it was too hard for me to focus when I had to read the scriptures. I didn't find a lot of importance in them. A lot of the things that the scriptures would just go right over my head. I simply just didn't give them enough importance. I knew that they were important but I never realized why I personally needed to read them.

I now understand the scriptures are what help me understand who the Lord is.

General Conference was great! I love watching it. I made some cinnamon rolls. I had to use my old lenior rhyne id card to cut the rolls because I didn't bring any floss. I was also  able to watch a little bit in English but mostly in Spanish. It feels kind of good being a missionary lately! Crazy to me that I turned 20 this month. 20 years and 20 months on the mission. Funny how that worked out. 

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